funny

funny

An elderly couple is attending church.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’

He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

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speed dating

new late night option at the national youth workers convention… youth worker speed dating.

i was there, i tried it… a friend pushed me into going… literally pushed… he came too, but left a short while later…

that’s all i’ve got to say about that.

there’s this page…

turn your eyes up… to the top of this page. go ahead, it’ll be ok. it won’t bite.

you see it? you the tabs?

if you click on one of the tabs, you will find different information… some of it is about me, some of it is about stuff i am hopeful to write/blog about in the future and some it is words. but these, just are not any words… they are words of wisdom. or at least there is some type of wisdom that i gleaned from them when i read them.

so, i wanted a reminder of them… the words. i wanted a place for myself, but also for others, to continue to glean wisdom from them. and hopefully put a smile on your face and maybe get a chuckle out of ya!

christian music

christian music is an odd genre. some good, some bad and a smidgen great. but there are golden moments in christian music history that, shall we say, can be the source of… well… laughter.

speech

there was this wedding last friday night. i was in it. no i was not the bride… but i was the maid of honor. i had many duties for the event, but the one i think that i was most excited about was the speech that i was to deliver during the reception.

anyone who knows me well, knows that i have this odd like (actually love) of public speaking, and it’s something that i am good at… at least that’s what i am told.

having never been in a position to give a speech as a maid of honor, i put my handy-dandy journalistic investigative skills to work (you know, the ones i paid a lot of money to gain… yep, the same ones that i am not using on a regular basis!) and began google-ing etiquette, speeches, maid of honor… you get the picture.

well, i didn’t like anything i found. i know… shocking. combined that with my deep, burning desire to add a little abby-uniqueness to the picture… the only thing i could do was to be an individual and strike out on my own for this speech.

katie, best friend and bride, is in love with her Irish heritage. no joke… you know katie, you know her love for baking irish soda bread and Guinness brownies and her quizzes… my goodness the quizzes! but i digress…

so here is what i came up with… offering the happy couple some handy-dandy marriage advice and then an irish blessing. sounds good… one problem… having never been married, i am was in no place to offer them advice about being married… so i did the next best thing and found quotes for some famous peeps on the subject and offered them to the happy couple.

here is the “speech” (and if you truly know me, you know i have never ever delivered a speech from a script)…

Quotes on Marriage:

  • Oscar Wilde: Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  • Rita Rudner: I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Bill Cosby: Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
  • Bill Cosby: For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
  • Rocky Balboa: I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other’s gaps.
  • Gloria Steinem, 2000, upon marrying for the first time at age 66: Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner, it feels limitless, not limited.
  • Joanne Woodward, married to Paul Newman for 50 years: Sexiness wears thin after a while, and beauty fades. But to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.
  • William Butler Yeats: I think a man and a woman should choose each other for life, for the simple reason that a long life with all its accidents is barely enough time for a man and a woman to understand each other … and to understand – is to love.”
  • Dietrich Bonhoeffer, writing to a young bride and groom from his prison cell in Nazi Germany in 1943: It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.
  • Billy Graham: When asked his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he said, “Ruth and I are happily incompatible.”
  • Ruth Bell Graham: A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

Irish Wedding Blessing:
May your mornings bring joy and your evenings bring peace.
May your troubles grow few as your blessings increase.
May the saddest day of your future
Be no worse than the happiest day of your past.
May your hands be forever clasped in friendship
And your hearts joined forever in love.
Your lives are very special,
God has touched you in many ways.
May his blessings rest upon you
And fill all your coming days.

all this coupled with some witty words of delivery and getting chocked up at the appropriate moment… and we had success!

(I think the Rocky quote is my favorite!)

car

almost six years ago i bought my first car. i was fortunate to be able to pay cash for it and not have the need to take on a car loan, although it would have been better for my credit in the long run… oh, well. so, i bought a nissan sentra. it’s a great car. sensible, reliable and somewhat fun. after six years of use, the cd player doesn’t work anymore which does provide a source of frustration for this music lover, but i get over it.

i stumbled across a blog the other day about a guy who was living in his car for seven days. after further investigation, not only is he living in a 2007 sentra, but he is doing so after hearing the new claim from nissan "you can pretty much live in it."

now i have never attempted to live out of my sentra for even one day, but i have done a lot in it, including moving. (i was pleasantly surprised as to how much of my crap i could actually stuff into my car.)

i have been highly entertained by reading what has happened in the course of the seven days.

extreme drive thru at mcdonalds

 
this is so hilarious!!!here is the description: We were bored, so we decided to write a song and perform it through the drive thru at a local McDonald’s. More coming soon. If you don’t like this, you don’t have a soul.

morning phone call

one of my best friends called this morning. here is the conversation…
(a = me, j = her)

a: hello?
j: did i wake you?
a: no, my alarm just went off, but i haven’t gotten out of bed yet.
j: ok… so i just had a dream that i died.
a: ok…
j:i went to heaven, which already makes this scary…
a: ok…
j: but when i got there, i was walking around. i saw my dad, i saw Jesus and then there was God…
a: ok, and…
j: do you know who God looked like?
a: no, who?
j: homer simpson, a really big homer simpson… and his hair was like dreads…
a: (the only possible response to this is laughter!) so, God has dreads?!?
j: no, they are really not like dreads, but more like how shirley temple’s hair was…
a: with ringlets?
j: yes!
a: so let me get this… you just woke up from a dream about you dying, going to heaven, seeing your dad, Jesus and God, who looked a big home simpson with ringlets like shirley temple?!? did you drink last night.
j: no, i just took some sinus meds because i have to work tonight and i am trying to go back to sleep…
a: ok, then… that was quite a dream!

i hung up the phone and knew that this was a conversation that i would need to share! enjoy!