it’s like riding a bike

at least that’s what it felt like. tonight was my first “real” youth group at my new gig. it’s been several weeks, so some of the relationship have already started forming. and technically we already had two youth group meetings. the first was the “kick-off” which i treated as a meet-and-greet. it was kind of boring if you ask me, but i think it was a wise decision considering my deep fears of making the same mistakes i made in previous place.

last week i was at the national youth workers convention in the city of angles… and that in and of itself deserves a series of postings on it’s own. but, as the good youth worker i left detailed instructions.

tonight was the night to get into the grove. it was the night that i would be able to see if the planning i had done would pay off. i know i can program with my eyes closed, with one had tied behind my back and standing like flamingo. (i know that’s big talk… but i think i can bring it)

what i am saying here is this… i want more for the church of today. i want more than to just challenge them and send them on their way. i want to walk along side them while they are being stretched, while they are asking the tough questions, when they have the tough problems, when they reach what they perceive to be the bottom of the barrel and are searching for anything that will love them.

tonight we talked about foundations and where we are building ours on, what is in our foundations and what influences them. i want to spend the next five letting the kids in on me… who i am and where i came from. i feel as though i am taking a chance in doing it this way, but i also feel that if i am expecting them to be in this (which i am) i need to communicate to them that i am in on this too. (which i am)

there was so much that hit me this past week at convention. from being with the tribe to the many light bulb moments… it was all good. i feel like i am where i was created to be. i feel as though this will be the greatest chapter in my story thus far. when don miller was talking about how his life was something that was boring and not worthy of a movie, there are times in which i rejoice in the boring and dread the movie worthy moments.

there are so many things happening right now that are not new and have the confidence of doing what i know, yet seeing it all in a new light. perspective is an amazing and interesting thing.

Father’s Day

it’s fathers day and, truth be told, I almost forgot about it. for me it’s just another day, another sunday I go to church and do the other typical sunday stuff that I do. but it wasn’t always like that.

this day used to be celebrated. this was a day that i treated my dad to almost anything he wanted, of course within my budget. typically it always ended up involving a movie and dinner.

i loved to shop for him. wondering through the men’s department at macy’s looking for just the shirt to get him, or through brookstone to see what gadget he might like. Now on, rare occasions, i find myself wondering through the men’s department remembering when i had someone to buy for and looked at items with a discerning eye.

this year makrs my 13th father-less fathers day, and i know that i will never celebrate fathers day the way i used to as a child. but, as a grow-up (or at least pretending to be one ) i’ve had to learn a few things.

i’ve had to learn to just suck it up and accept that i will never celebrate fathers day in the old familiar ways again.

i’ve had to learn to accept that as hard as i try to protest and ignor this day, hallmark has such a hold us all, we will continue to celebrate this day forever!

i’ve had to lean, accept and am now rejoicing that although i do not have my earthly father to give a big hug to on this day, i have a heavenly father who i can cling to everyday for the rest of my life.

independence

i was an independent child. i wanted to do everything on my own and in my own way. my mom decided it was time to take me off the bottle when i could fill it my self from the gallon of milk in the refridgerator.

i like having my on way of doing things. i have told myself for a long time that it’s not about being independent, but it’s about being unique, putting my own stamp or twist on something. i told myself that i was fordging a new path, one that no one else may take, but soemthing that was my own. something that i and only i had ownership of, as well as full responsability.

my life thus far is good. my needs are met, as well as a few wants have been thrown in too. i have a roof over my head, a car to get me from point a to point b, clothes on my back, food to eat, a computer to function in the 21st century and good people to speak into my life. all in all i have no complaints. i have done a good job with my life.

but i think there lies the problem. it’s the “i” part of that above statement.

for the longest time i have bought into the lies and deception of independence. and how could i not… from the womens movement to the idea that “women can do anything” to generation x getting what they want when they want it to the idea of “having it your way”… i have learned through careful constructive learning being dependent on anything is bad and independence in the only way to go.

the lies that live deep in those satements are shattered by the simple fact that as a Christian, i have devoted my life to decreasing me and increasing Jesus Christ. but in order for me to truly do that, i need to give up a corner stone of my personality foundatin which is that i am a fully stubborn independent person.

i not only believed the lies, but let them guide me, and in turn convinced myself that i had to be independent of my parents and adult influences because i was just a burden to them, a hindrance to their life and what they wanted to do. although i thoroughly believed deep to my core, even though i would deny it when i was a tween and early high shcooler, that my parents loved me and wanted the best for me and wanted to see me succeed and want to do whatever they could so that i could achieve anything that i wanted.

but the lies were loud and hit me where i hurt the most… through lonileness. i took the lonileness i felt and translated that into myself being a burden for them. i translated it into that i needed to be independent of them in order for me to get what i wanted and the achieve the goals i wanted to acheive.

in my life long venture to achieve independence i have ignored on of the most important asoects of having a living, breathing relatinship with Chirst… and that’s learning how to be dependent upon Him through everything. He wants the good, the bad and the ugly. He wants us to tell Him everything, every thought, every action every desire that we harbor in our hearts and minds.

sure, Him being the omni-cubed He knows it all, but by us going to Him and telling Him all of it, we are beginning to practice being dependend on Him. by seeking His will, reading His word and praying words the He taught us to pray, we are submitting to Him in recognization that He is the one and only we are to be dependent on.

my deep desire to not be anyone’s burden, which in turn spurs on my independence has a streak a mile long and is just as wide. but i have come to realize that this has hindered many relatinships and i have burned bridges where i know that should have not happened.

as i pursue a deeper, more meaningful relationship with Jesus Christ, i am wondering how deep dose my independence run.  because it is deep and wide, what must i do to turn it around and develope a deeper dependence on God.

where is the fine line between worldly independence and Godly dependence?

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

here i am… again

i never wanted to be in this place again.

i guess i thought we would be a big & carrie type of relationship… together then apart… together then apart… then friends, good friends… then the happy ending that everyone wanted to see… together. but alas, we are a berger & carries kind of relationship.

no, there wasn’t a break up involving a post-it note (if that were the case, there wold be bitterness oozing through this page!). it was just a phone call… a phone call filled with a ton of emotion on both sides.

so, now here i am… left to sift through the muck, looking for hope again. this time around i am a differnt person, in a different place.

this is great!

500 percent!

in the last 30 years, the incidents of esophegical cancer has increased by 500 percent. that’s crazy!

if i close my eyes and think about it, i can remember the day like it was yesterday. it was a bright, warm july afternoon. i was sitting in the living room killing time until i was to head out for vbs planning meeting at church. i didn’t know that my life would forever be different after i picked up the ringing phone.

my dad was calling. he didn’t sugar coat it, he didn’t beat around the bush (which is something greatly appreciated about him)… he just came out and said it: “i’ve got cancer.”

there was no easy way to put it. there was no sugar coating it or beating around the bush with something like this. it was real. it was raw. it was truthful.

13 years later, my heart still skips a beat remembering the pain i felt when i first heard those words. i felt helpless in my dad’s fight for his life just as i do now in knowing the esophageal cancer is on the rise. i watched as the cancer stripped him for his ability to earn a decent income, enjoy his life and live it to it’s fullest.

i am not a doctor, nor am i independently wealthy and able to fund major medical research. but what i can do is participate in relay for life.

relay for life is the american cancer society’s fundraising event that bring people together to raise much needed funds in order fight cancer.  i will spend 24 hours (give or take a couple) at Johansen HS, here in Modesto, serving as the captain for my team, but also walking a lap or two or three around the track.

please considering in joining me in my effort to fight cancer! jump on board at your local relay for life event, or you can sponsor me through my website.

thank you.

lent

every year i say i am going to give something up for lent… then it never really works out well for me… i guess it’s a lack of will power issue. but this year is different.

i am a different person. i am in a different place. therefore, i know i can do better this year. here is what i am giving up:

• fast food
• fasting every Tuesday (from sum up to sunset)
• creating purposeful experiences with God outside of my norm

those are three big things, which will require some decent sized life changes for me.

fast food… let’s me be a slave to convince.

fasting every Tuesday… why the heck not!

creating purposeful experiences with God outsid of my norm… i need this. we all need to do this at some point. if anything, this past year i have grown closer to God and my understanding of Him is clearer since i have moved her to Modesto. But my desire is to always be more intentional about my time with Him, and i have gotten to the point where i need things that are out of the box.

so that’s what happening with lent this year. i got 40 days to get it done… well, actually 37.

relationship advice from madea