The Worst Analogies
Ever Written in a High School Essay
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled
Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle
from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes
on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them
in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this
guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland
at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a
speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants
in a dryer without Cling Free.