getting out of the boat

the other day a friend of mine was telling me that she wanted to experience the grand canyon skywalk. basically it’s a glass bottomed u-shaped bridge that’s about 4,000 feet about the canyon floor. i have absolutely no desire to go anywhere near it because i have a paralyzing fear of heights.

when i was a kid, i was prettified of jumping off the edge of a pool. i can climb a latter just fine, but coming down is a completely different story. i even missed a chance to go spelunking several years back because we had to climb down a latter into a dark pit of what seemed to be nothingness. basically, my fear of plummeting to my death paralyzes me to the point of non-existent exploration.

recently i have made the observation in my life that i also do the same thing in my everyday-ordinary-life. when i experience some type of set back, i tend to avoid something out of fear. not only do i have a tendency to avoid, but i also become paralyzed with that fear.

growing up my family had a membership to the local community pool. one sunny, summer day i was there with my friends and they double-dogged-dared me to jump off the high dive. know, normally i would tuck my tail between my legs and go home, but this was where i spent the majority of my summer and i wasn’t about to let this dare go by the wayside. so i began my assent to the top of the spring board. with each ladder rung, i knew i was in deep trouble. not only was there a line beginning to form behind of kids wanting to jump of the hi dive, but there was a group gathered on the side of the pool by the life guard stand waiting to see my belly-flop extravaganza.

but once up there, i froze. i couldn’t move. there i was at the top and i couldn’t move a muscle. i couldn’t bring myself to jump. so, i did the next scariest thing… i climbed down the ladder. no matter what, i envisioned myself landing smack on the cement, breaking my leg or arm or cracking my head open and all my brains oozing out. (ok, the later is a bit extreme… but you get the idea.)

i lost focus. i relied on myself to carry me through my fears, and i just couldn’t do it. kind of like when Jesus calls out to Peter, and Peter sinks because he allows great fear to take over him, instead of fully relying of Jesus. instead of his faith fully relying on Jesus, fear crept in and created an attitude of doubt within him.

there is so much i want in my life and for my life. yet, i doubt. i used to tell myself that it was myself whom i doubted, but the reality and truth is that it is really Jesus whom i doubted. i’ve learned that in order for me to rid my life of doubt, i need to take that first step out of the boat all the while maintaining my focus on Jesus. and not in certain areas of my life, but my complete life.

what part of your life does doubt exist?

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2 comments

  1. Doubt lies for me in motherhood. I’m sure that’s true for every lady considering it, but I keep putting it off thinking, what if I suddenly become addicted to something or have a completely terrible personality change when I’m only half done raising the thing?

  2. I think that line of thinking is common for many of use ladies who are of child bearing years and want to have kids. I think because of your history and what you have been exposed to at such a young age, you are thinking about things that would involve history repeating itself. When I think about my history in that context, it scares the crap out of me. But I also know that I have this deep desire to be a mom, so my only response to that is to trust in God. To trust that He will be the one to take care of all the stupid decisions that I could possibly make, and put people in my kids life that will be a part of the community that will raise them. I do not believe that God created a vacuum for us to rear our children, in fact the complete opposite… He created the community in which we are to not only raise our children in, but rest in ourselves.
    Oh, Small & Might one.. My prayer for you is to know God’s love is surrounding you as a warm and comforting hug… and that He will see you through any and all child havin’!

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